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Crossed Fingers & Closed Eyes
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Song: Frodus - "Red Bull of Juarez"
Quote: Not neeeded.
I think that crashing my car was the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time.
I've come to the realization that my financial situation is beyond embarrassing. I've been a Bob's Seafood employee for close to 3 years now. Working an absolute minimum of 12 hours a week, upwards of 45, regardless of hours, I've been making a lot of money. A lot of money. Every time I glance at my paycheck, I'm always delighted to see more than I was expecting. However, I'm horrified when I see how much I've cleared in gross pay for the entire year when it reaches into the thousands. When I check my bank statement, it's a miracle when I have enough to clear the minimal withdrawal limit at the ATM.
When my car was fucked last Saturday, did I have any money to pay for it? No. That night, my bank balance was 22 dollars. Once the car was declared no longer totaled and thus fixable, the bill was dropped as 600 dollars. Six. Hundred. Dollars. That's almost a months worth of pay, due to the hours I get now while working during school.
SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS.
How the fuck am I supposed to pay for this? What would I have done if my mother couldn't front me the money? What if this happened 6 months ago when her bank account was just as pathetic as mine? I wouldn't have a car. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I have no way to go to work to make money to repair the car, and more importantly, no way to school.
Why don't I have any money? I have a well-paying job. I clear plenty of hours.
I spent so much money. It scares me. Every single time I'm out, I buy at least one item from Wawa. I buy CDs 4 at a time, at least. I buy used guitars from people that aren't what I want, instead of saving for something that I can use. I refuse to eat food at home and spend hundreds of dollars getting breakfast at school, buying diner at the diner, ordering lunch from work, everywhere. I can't remember the last time I had a home cooked meal. Not only is it the fact that I buy all my food so when I'm home, I'm not hungry. It's the fact that I'm never home before midnight.
I wake up at 6 in the morning practically everyday, go to school or work, come home for an hour to sleep or shower, and then I run out the door as fast as I can to go somewhere. To spend money on something.
I get dizzy just thinking about how eager I get when I'm at a red light to get where ever it is that I'm going to. Every time I get out of work and make plans with people, I find myself ALWAYS running late. If I finish work at 7, I'll tell them that I'll be home, showered, and ready to go by 8:30. I end up not leaving the store until 8. I grow more and more impatient every second. I can't even sit down to write this because I have to study for my math test that I've put aside for the past 2 weeks.
I just received a phone bill for 187 dollars. I don't understand how it could possibly reach the nearing heights of 200 dollars. I talk on my cell phone a lot now. The guy who constantly for years despised people who owned them now owes 120 dollars in overtime on his phone bill.
I'm slowly becoming everything I've ever hated about people. It feels like I'm on speed constantly. Sometimes, I wish I was, just so I had an excuse.
I have to stop putting aside what's important. As much as I want to practice music with people, I have to study. As much as I want to buy
This mood swings really creep me out. I'm so sorry to anyone I've upset in the past couple days. I've been so selfish. I'm not ignoring you. I've just been so wrapped up in myself to even notice until now how many people I've just been rude to. I love you all so much and I wish I could tell you how much I wish I had just an extra hour in the 24 hour day we all know to spend with you (and run-on sentences). Please don't think that I'm
If you'll excuse me from this crying session, I have studying to attend to. Things will click. I'll clear the grades to write mom about.
I'm sorry.
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09.23.04 - 10:03 PM
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